It's so strange to finally be home sick after not feeling that for so long. I've been having a blast, and of course I still want to be here, and I still love being here. But I've finally felt the longing to be back at home, too.
I miss home because I miss how easy it was. I mean there's always drama and craziness and I've got the average "angsty teenage life" that you'd imagine, so it's not EASY, per say. But I miss the familiarity. I miss knowing where I stand and knowing how things go.
I miss the easy banter in English, the ability to ramble on about my opinion on some topic I'm extremely passionate about. I miss how easy it is to be able to talk and not have to think about the way I'm putting words together, the way I'm phrasing things, who I'm talking to. I miss the easy flow of conversation because I don't have to worry about saying something wrong.
I miss my home and my family. I miss the way things always were. I miss going to get my nails done with my mom and gossiping about guys and how inexplicably complicated they are. I miss watching Once Upon a Time with my mom and stepdad and having my stepdad ALWAYS try to guess what the episode will be about based on the opening sequence. I miss driving in the car with my dad, laughing at the dumbest things (because we have seriously lame humor) or freaking him out with the type of music I listen to. I miss Friday nights at my dad's house with incredible food, lame TV series, and milkshakes on the couch. I miss Saturdays at home in my PJs watching Netflix and eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. I miss having my own room to hide in when I feel like the world is crushing down on me.
I miss school and my friends. I miss LS, to be honest, which may be totally crazy. I definitely never thought I would miss it, but I do. I miss the warmth of the hallways and the way the teachers make you call them Mr. or Mrs. or Miss. I miss having a passbook to use when you're going to the bathroom, and I miss the insanity of the cafeteria at lunch time. I miss being with my friends. I have amazing friends here too, but sometimes I wonder if they think of me as a genuine friend or as "that crazy American chick that's only here this year." I miss knowing exactly where I stand. I miss knowing who my best friends are, who I'll always end up sitting with at lunch and assemblies and sporting events, who I can go to if I want to lay around watching movies all night in my sweatpants, who I can call if I'm crying and feel like I'm about to shut down, who to text if I'm bored and want a good laugh, who to message if I want to go to a party, but I'm too chicken to go alone. I know exactly where I stand in our little baby "society" of school. I miss being sure of myself and not having to wonder what people think of me or the situation.
I see my friends growing, changing, evolving...without me. And sometimes I get the feeling that when I go home, I'll no longer fit into their world, and it scares me. I don't want to lose what I have there.
Most of all, I miss being surrounded by people that I can count on, that I can depend on, that I can trust with everything. I have some friends here who I know I can count on, and of course my family. But when I feel like I'm falling apart with homesickness, grief, anxiety, or whatever it is that I'm feeling, I want nothing more than to call one of my best friends and cry to them. I just want to message them and have them automatically know that they need to come over. But I can't do that being 4000 some odd miles away with an international phone number. I want to crawl into my mom's lap and cry or complain in a much too hyperactive way to my dad. I just want to be coddled, though that may sound crazy and selfish and childish.
Although I'm having an incredible time here, I do miss home. Especially now, though I'm not sure why. And I'm sure these feelings will fade in a couple days and I'll be back to the "I'm never going back to America" attitude. But for now, I just miss it.
