Happy New Year!

     As we leave behind 2014 and bring in the New Year, we think back on this year, usually exclaiming how fast it went by and how much we want to change for the year to come. Then we write Resolutions that are never actually resolved, rather left on a crumpled piece of paper under the bed, long forgotten after a few short weeks. I mean, that's New Years for ya. 
      I've never really been one for Resolutions anyway. For one thing, I'd definitely be one of those people to lose the paper after like 2 days. And for another thing, I don't want to think about all the things that went wrong, all the things I want to change. The things that went wrong are in the past, and I want what comes in the new year to be a surprise, an adventure. Why limit ourselves to these "rules" that are too hard to follow? Why not just live our lives the way we want to live them and let things happen the way they're supposed to happen? 
     Though I'm not one for regretting all the things done that can't be undone or all the things left undone in the past, I definitely am one for looking back and remembering all the amazing times I had. This year, as I looked back, I realized that I had more to remember this year, that I had more amazing memories than I'd ever had before. I've had such an incredible year, one truly worth remembering. It's hard to believe just how crazy wild this year was. And I have every single one of my friends and family to thank for that. 
     Not only did I have a great school year with all my friends back home. Not only did I have a great summer with my exchange students, in California with the fam, and at the beach. I moved to a whole new country! I made friends I can't imagine not having, I've had experiences I will never forget, and I've grown into a person I never knew I could be. This has been hands down the greatest year of my life, and I can't thank anyone enough for that. I love everyone in my life, and I want to thank all of you for being such amazing friends and family to me, and for making this year truly one to remember.
     I can only hope that 2015 is as good as this one, if not better. I hope everyone has had a great year, I hope they have a great night, and I hope they have an amazing year to come. Thanks again for everything. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Merry Christmas to all and to all A Good Night

     Yes, I know this post is late, but I've been busy...
     Christmas was different this year, obviously. I mean, I knew it would be. I knew it was going to be hard being away from all my family and friends, as I've spent every Christmas that I can remember in the same house with the same people. But its a new time with new traditions, and I knew that was coming before the time even arrived. However, that didn't make it any easier.
     Not to say that I had a miserable Christmas...I had a GREAT Christmas, just a different one. This year, I awoke on Christmas Eve and read pretty much the entire day. I was reading Looking For Alaska by my favorite author, John Green, which is an incredible book that I hope someday you get the chance to read. Later, I got to see their Christmas parade, as well as the Basque version of Santa, Olentzero, whose "house" is right by mine!!. After that, I skyped my parents, which made me super happy and sad at the same time. It made me happy to talk to them and see their faces and be able to gossip about everything and anything. But it made me sad because all I wanted to do was crawl through the computer screen and hug them and be with them during this Christmas time so far away from home. At around 8:00 PM, we went to my grandma's house and had dinner with her, our little fam (mom, dad, sister, brother, and I) and my uncle. It was a nice dinner with great company. After that, we watched some show that I don't even know what it is but it was fun just being with the family:

Waiting to see Olentzero

Not sure why there are sheep

Christmas parade

Here comes Olentzero led by Ox who are blinded...not even gonna ask

Announcement from the King of Spain on Christmas Eve

      The next day, my sister woke me up at about 8 am to open presents, but when I got to the living room, my brother had already opened most of what he had...normal young boy on Christmas morning. I opened my presents: I got nail polish, lip gloss, a shirt, pajamas, an umbrella (because I don't have one of my own and I ALWAYS need one), a sweater, rings, and a necklace. I was pleasantly surprised at all that, as my host parents didn't have to get me anything. My parents had already sent me money to buy Christmas presents for myself on Black Friday. And yet my host parents still bought me presents and made me a part of their Christmas, which means a lot to me. After opening presents, we all got ready and headed over to my aunt's house where we had a huge dinner with the whole family. It was exactly how I had always wanted a Christmas to be...the whole family gathered around one huge table with enough food to feed an army and laughter filling the air:

Christmas morning!!!

What's Xmas without a selfie

All the cuzzos

Family dinner

Sissy and Laura (cousin)

Skyping the fam while they open presents

     I was sort of robbed of that. I have a bunch of siblings, but they're all older and live in California, so any family Christmas we ever had together, I don't remember because I was too young at the time. That's what always bummed me out about the holidays, that I couldn't spend it with ALL those that I loved. But it was always great with just my parents. 
     When I got home after spending the day at my aunt's house, I skyped my parents to tell them what I had gotten for Christmas and to wish them a Merry Christmas and things like that. I even got to watch the family opening up gifts through Skype. I may not have been able to be there in person, but I was there in spirit...and pixels...which was close enough for me. I didn't think I was even going to get that much this year.
     So I guess you could say I had a pretty dang good Christmas, though it was obviously very different from the usual Christmas I would have. This is the hardest part of the year, and I knew that before I even arrived here, but I'm so glad that I have an amazing family that loves me and takes care of me and that I feel comfortable with. For that, I didn't have a rotten Christmas...I had a great one. So thank you to them for giving me a great time away from home. 
     I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas, and I hope that you realize that it really isn't about the gifts. I think I always told myself that but I never really believed it until now. Just like with Thanksgiving. We can say every year that it's not about the food or the gifts or a day off of school, but we never really understand exactly what that means. But I do now. It really is about family and being with those that you love and showing them how much they mean to you. You don't realize what you've got until it's gone. I guess I'm just thankful that all I have there isn't gone for good, it's just put on the back burner for a year so I have time to explore new things and make new ties. So Merry Christmas to everyone, and remember to cherish your family and everything that you have. 
     Merry Christmas to all, and to all, A Good Night. 

Best Weekend Ever!

         This has been the best weekend since I arrived in Spain, and maybe even one of the best weekends that I've had in general. 
     It all started Friday, our last day of school before break. We had the first three classes of the day like normal, even though I didn't really have anything to do because I had finished all of my exams and everything. Then we had "free time" like usual, where we go and get food or hang out for 20 minutes and then have the last three classes of the day. Only it was longer than normal, about 45 minutes. We did our class "secret santa" exchange that day and let me just tell you that I was genuinely crying of laughter at my gifts. This absolutely adorable little kid who looks 10 even though he's 16 and says things like "Harry Potter is by Shakespeare, right?" was the one who bought me my gifts. I got a piggy bank that looks like a chicken, a game that I don't even know how to explain (I'll put up pictures), a cat from a chino that waves its arm back and forth if you put a battery in it, a tiny little plush soccer ball, and a freaking wooden spoon. I kid you not I was crying because I was laughing so hard at the fact that he bought me a spoon. I love that kid. But anywho, we spent about 45 minutes after our break in the class playing cards, talking, laughing, playing music, and just having a good time, and it was easily the best last day of school before break that I've had: 

Me and my girl, Fernanda

Rudolph wassup

Fer & Maria

     Then later, I had a Christmas dinner with some of my girlfriends from school and my sister: Alazne, Vanessa, Itsaso, Elena, y Ane-Elena. We went to Krunch which is a sort of restaurant but a little more "fast foody" and had some great food and great conversations. Then we went for a walk and ended up at this gorgeous tree lit up for Christmas, which is situated right in front of one of the most beautiful, if not the most beautiful, buildings I've seen in Bilbao. Of course we took a bajillion pictures: 

Elena, Itsaso, Vanessa, Ane/Elena, Alazne and I 

     Then Saturday, day two of the four great days this weekend had to offer. Saturday night, like a lot of other Saturday nights, we went to Anaconda, the discoteca. But this time it wasn't just us girls. It was basically all of my class (1A), all of 1B, and some of the people from both 1C, 1D, as well as some from 2 Bach (seniors). It was so fun to have everyone there, especially the people that you would never expect to be there, but that showed up because everyone was going. It's so adorable to see those people letting loose and having fun and even telling you they'd go again (though they definitely need a little practice). It was a night of dancing, laughing, talking, and a night where I realized just how cool some people are that I normally don't talk to as much, especially this one guy from my class. We talk, but we had never talked very much, and I always thought I annoyed him, but we ended up hanging out the whole night and he's SO funny. I think by the end of this year we'll be best friends, or at least I hope so. Of course there was some drama, and we even saw a fight on the street, but hey, that's what comes with the life of partiers, I guess. That night I stayed at the house of my best friend that I have here, Fer (Fernanda) which was hilarious and fun and as perfect as always. Love that girl. (First discoteca where I actually didn't take pictures)

     Day three, Sunday, I came home at about 10:30 AM, ate, showered, got dressed and made up all nice and purty, and then I had to leave again. Sunday we had the "comida de clase." Everyone from class that could make it went out to lunch at this place called Deluxe in Bilbao. They serve the biggest hamburgers I have ever seen in my life. Of course I shared one with another girl from my class, Olatz, because there is no way either of us could ever eat the whole thing. What cracked me up was seeing some of those guys eat the whole thing like it was nothing, especially Jon, the one I talked about before who is tiny and looks like he is 10 years old. I'm pretty sure that hamburger wheighed more than him and yet he ate the entire thing. Then after we ate, we all went to Zubiarte, the mall, and just hung out, walking around, talking and laughing like always. When a few of us were at McDonalds eating icecream, there was this guy who had a popsickle stick stuck to his forehead, don't ask me how that's even possible) and I turned to Jon and asked him why the eff that man had a popsickle stick on his head and then we just started dying laughing. Once again, I was crying from laughter, like laughing so hard I couldn't even breath. Poor guy noticed us and took it off his head, though he did put it in his lip..strange fella. Then we went to the park where they have this adorable little pond with ducks and geese and walked through the park. After that, Olatz had to leave, and that left me with all the guys because the other two girls from class couldn't make it that day. But hey, I didn't mind. I've always been more comfortable with guys than with girls anyway, so I felt right at home. We went to this adorable little cafe and all ordered coffee, sitting around outside just having a good old time. I even ordered in English because one of my friends got down on his knees to beg me to do it, and how can you refuse that? Poor waitor had absolutely no clue what I said so I ordered in Spanish with a horrendously overexaggerated American accent and suprisingly enough, he understood me, though he was laughing at my obvious idiotic accent. I thought we were going to go out to eat and then go home, 2 hours max, but we ended up all hanging out for 7 hours, time flying by like it always does when you're having fun:

Jon and the hamburger that is bigger than this head

Kacper and I obviously being dumb

Aner and I have way too much swag to function properly 

(PS right after we took this we got yelled at for taking a picture with the merchandise)

My absolute love, Olatz

This mocha is too cool

Christmas timeeee in the city

     Then yesterday, Monday, the last day of this great weekend, we had the party of Santo Tomás, or as we call it, Santoto. It was in Casco Viejo, which is the oldest (and prettiest) part of Bilbao and it's basically just an entire day of people hanging out in crowds, drinking, eating food, and having a good time with their friends. I went with some of the people from class: Sara, Pino (Cristian), Kacper, Aitor, Onti (Dani), and Uni (Unai) and we met up with some others: Oria (Pablo), Aitor (a different Aitor...every freaking guy here is named Aitor), Iker, and later more and more people. The party was kind of crap, but the company was not. With these people, I always have a good time:

VENGAAAA ES LA HORA DE FIESTA

Pino is presh

Oria, Pino, and Uni hiding in the back

Sara aka the best friend a girl could ask for

Because no matter where I go, I've always got my boys

(Kacper, Aitor, Pino, Uni, and Onti)

Love it when they hopelessly try to pull off wearing my glasses

     I remember how terrified and alone I felt when I first got here and now I can't even imagine leaving these people. You know you're really making friends and you're really loved when they tell you "Bri no te vayas!" ("Bri don't leave!") or that it’s going to be extremely strange when I go back home. I also remember how lame my life was back in PA. I mean for one thing, there’s really nothing to do in Lancaster, PA, like literally a good old nothing. The company was great though, because I absolutely love being with my best friends there, and I miss them so much, but at the same time, I remember that I would choose Netflix over my friends, that I would choose staying in rather than going out, that I would choose being alone rather than being with my friends…the majority of the time. And that’s something I can’t take back or change, but now I feel dumb because all those times, I could have been spending more time with my best friends, and I wasn’t. But all of that has changed. If there’s a chance for me to go out, I go! Maybe it’s because I’m here and I want to make the most of my year, but I LOVE going out now. I’m always going out with my friends or doing something, and I love it that way. Maybe it’s just because I love my life here SO much, and I love my friends SO much. Can’t wait to spend the next 6 months with these amazing people in this amazing place. 

I guess I just want more time

     I'm afraid. 
     I'm afraid of losing what I have here.
     These almost four months that I've been here, I've found true friends. No we're not BEST friends, no we don't have sleepovers and stay up late talking about all the things we know we can entrust to each other, no they don't know everything about me and I don't know everything about them, and yes I know that if it came down to it, they would choose their other friends over me, because they've all been friends since they were little kids...and I've only been here for a mere four months. But every day, we get closer. Every day that I'm here, I feel more and more comfortable, more and more loved, more and more accustomed to these people.
     These almost four months that I've been here, I've found family. We're getting to that point where my sister and I sometimes want to punch each other, as all sisters should. We even talked about this before, when everything was totally perfect all the time. We talked about the fact that we have to fight, we have to get on each others nerves, because if we don't, we can't be real sisters. Real family isn't always sunshine and rainbows. Real families don't always get along. Sometimes they want to punch each other in the face, but at the end of the day, you love your family, you defend them, and you couldn't imagine living without them. I can't imagine going back to PA and not having the noise, the craziness, but the love that we have here. 
     These almost four months that I've been here, I've found a way of life. I've grown accustomed to using public transport...I know...weird. Never would have thought about that before, but I actually kind of like it. I mean don't get me wrong, I can't wait to go back to the US and be able to GET MY LISCENSE and finally drive. That's going to be amazing. But I'm now used to taking the bus and the metro and leaving on my own, not needing to ask my mom for rides like I always have to do back in the US. I've fallen in love with being able to go to this amazing city and do so many different things. I can go to the park, to the mall, to a museum, to a cafe or bar, go shopping, go out to eat with my girlfriends, go to discotecas. Really there are so many choices. I mean back in little old Lanc, there's a good old NOTHING to do. And I also love that we go out later. It's normal here to get together at 8 or 9 for dinner or go out to a discoteca and not get home til super late. It's just a different way of life, but I've become obsessed with it, and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel going back to the way of life that we have in Lancaster, PA, good old Amish country...
     Now I'm not saying that I'm not going to be super happy to go back home, because I will be. I mean I miss my friends and especially my family SO much it's actually painful sometimes. Especially at this time of year, because all I want is to be back home with my family around the tree or the fire, watching Christmas movies or baking cookies with my mom or listening to Christmas music, or going out to see all the decorations. 
     I'm also not saying that I don't love my life back home, because I do. I love my friends and family and even Lanc (surprisingly). Neither life is better, but they're so different. Maybe I'm selfish, but I don't want to lose either of these lives that I have. Here I've finally found things I never could have found in Lancaster County, here I've found a new way of life that I've fallen in love with, here I've found myself. And I fear that when I leave, I'm going to lose everything that I've found this year. It was easier to let go of everything back home for a while, because I know that I'm going to return. I let it go and stopped being so sad about it because I knew that this year I have to soak up every minute of being here, and I'll be going back to everyone and everything there after only 10 months. It seemed like such a long time when I was leaving, like I would be spending half of my life in another country, but now it doesn't feel like enough time to really LIVE it. 
     I'm afraid because I don't want to have to leave behind this life, trade it in for my other one. I want them both, and I don't care if that makes me selfish or greedy...what can I say, I'm only human.
     I'm afraid because I only have 6 months left, and I guess I just want more time. 

Who We Are

     This doesn't really have anything to do with studying abroad, but rather is about life in general. It's just something that I think is really important. So here goes nothing. 
     There's someone here at school...someone whose opinion has become more or less important to me during this short time I've spent here. He told me something the other day. He told me I'm crazy. Wow, shocker, I've been told that by just about every person that's come into my life. It's not a lie, nor an exaggeration  It is 100% true. But that's not what got to me. It's what came after. I said that insanity is a necessity of life, because without it, there's just no fun. And he replied that yes that's true, but I'm too crazy. 
     Did it catch me off guard? Absolutely. Did it bother me? A little. Does it make me want to change? Definitely not. 
     That's the thing. Someone is always going to be there to tell you that you're too much of something. You weigh too much, you're too tall, you talk too much, you're too crazy. And there's always going to be someone there to tell you that you're not enough. You're not funny enough, you're not skinny enough, you're not popular enough, You're. Not. Good. Enough. But I am here to tell you that you ARE. You are just enough, you are the perfect amount of everything that you've got. Does that mean you're perfect? No. But am I perfect? Hell no. No one is perfect, but we're all a perfect blend.
     No matter who you meet in your life, no matter how important they are to you, no matter how much they love you, they are ALWAYS going to want to change you. There will be people who want to change everything that you are, because they think that you're not good enough. And there are going to be people that you think accept you exactly as you are, but even they ask you to change. There will always be people who want you to conform yourself to their idea of perfection. And you need to find the strength to tell them, "No."
     It's not important what other people have to say. Does it still hurt when people talk bad about you or make you feel like there's something wrong with you because of the way that you are? Absolutely. Even the strongest of us isn't bulletproof. It's gonna hurt. It's going to work at our nerves and make us feel like maybe we should change. I am 100% sure that every single person has at least once thought that maybe the right thing to do is to change because then they'll accept you. But it's not. 
     We can never be happy if we take to heart what other people think of us. We'll never be whole if we put on a mask and become the reflection of what every other person thinks we should be. What matters is what we think of ourselves. What matters is who we want to be. 
     The strongest of us are the ones who accept themselves, good and bad, because we are all born special. We all have strengths and weaknesses and things that make us who we are. We have to love ourselves for exactly who we are to find true happiness. 
     So the next time that somebody tells you that you're not good enough, smile, walk away, and thank God, luck, fate, destiny, whatever YOU believe in, that you are exactly who you are, because you'll always be enough. 
     They tell us who they want us to be, but we tell them Who. We. Are. 

Metamorphosis

     I feel like I'm slowly maturing...maybe that's stupid to say, but it's true. I mean I've always been kind of mature for my age. Yeah I still think really stupid, immature things are funny, but that doesn't make me immature. I've always been mature, because I've always needed to be. I've been through a lot in my life, I've seen a lot, and I've had to grow up rather quickly. I understand things in a deeper, more mature, better way than a lot of the people my age ever could. And that's something I love about myself. Plus I've always loved hanging out with people older than me because I feel more connected to them, I feel like I can handle it. 
     So anywho, I was invited to dinner with the girlfriends that I go to the discotecas with. We met up at about 8:30 and had dinner reservations for 9:30. That's definitely different from in the US. I mean most of the time people go to dinner at 6 or 7 or occasionally 8. I love that I was just going to Bilbao at 7:45. 
     We walked to the restaurant, hung around close by until it was 9:30, and then we went in. It was the most precious little restaurant. Walking by, you would hardly even notice it. It's just a small little door. That's kind of how all the places are in cities, though. I love that. I love that you look at this place from the outside and it looks like a nice door with a title, but you wouldn't think there would be anything of value within. However, once you walk through the door, it's actually quite large. It's a two story restaurant, mostly everything black and white, with an extra little set of wooden stairs that lead to nowhere and every stair has a candle. Absolutely gorgeous.
     So we get to the restaurant, and mind you, there are 12 of us....normally there would be 15 but 3 of the girls couldn't make it. We were on the second floor at a huge table to fit all of us. We all order our food, jugs of water, bread, and we sit around the table, talking, laughing, having an amazing time. I feel so great with these girls. Obviously I'm not 100% comfortable. I mean it was only my second time going out with them, but they're some of the greatest girls I've ever met. And I love that here, I really truly have a bunch of girlfriends that I absolutely love hanging out with, because in America I've only got a few girlfriends. All of my friends are guys. To be honest, I've always felt a lot more comfortable with guys than with girls, which is why it makes me feel good to finally feel comfortable with girls, to finally have girlfriends the way that every girl dreams of.
      Anyway, time flew by, as it always does when you're having a good time. Before we knew it, it was 12, and we finally left after eating so much food it's ridiculous, and OF COURSE un postre (dessert), which you basically have to get in a restaurant here (it's like an unspoken rule). What's funny is that there were people still coming in to start eating at that time. It's just normal here. They start their evening at the time that a lot of Americans end theirs. LOVE IT.
     Walking through Bilbao with these girls at 12:30, only just getting home at 1 AM after having payed for our own dinners, I just felt mature. Stop laughing, it's true...Maybe I'm just some dumb teenager playing grownup, but whatever, I like it.
     I like feeling like I can be on my own, like I don't have to depend on my family, on my friends, on anyone but myself. I'm not Bri the friend of such and such, I'm not Bri the daughter of Brian and Chris, I'm just Bri...I'm finally feeling like a young adult, like I'm growing, maturing, becoming more and more independent by the day, and I love it. 
     That's one of the reasons why I think studying abroad is so incredible: you really find yourself. You have to leave everything that defines you and you  have to start over, defining yourself along the way. And you have a choice. You can decide to define yourself in ANY way that you want, because you're not tied down or held back by anything or anyone that may have defined you before. It's kind of like a metamorphosis of sorts. You are one thing before, slowly becoming boxed in, tied down by a messy blur. After a while, you're finally able to break free from this cage, this cocoon that you've become trapped in. And once you're free, you're able to fly instead of crawling along the ground. You're different, you're beautiful, you're free. It's a truly beautiful thing. 

Giving thanks

     Thanksgiving...one of the bigger holidays in America. I think I take it for granted every year. I never knew how much I'd miss it.
     Thanksgiving is a day where you can pig out on some of the best foods. For example, candied yams, spaghetti squash, turkey, black olives, stuffing, mashed potatoes, rolls, and uhm who could forget PUMPKIN PIE (with whipped cream, of course). My mouth is actually watering just writing this. 
     It's a couple days of vacation where we finally get to sleep in, relax, and enjoy the fall weather, or this year, the winter weather. (Surprisingly enough, I actually REALLY miss the snow.)
     It's the day before Black Friday, which I love pretty much just as much as Thanksgiving if I'm being honest. If you don't know what Black Friday is (not sure how you wouldn't), it's an entire day of ridiculous sales. The past two years I went shopping on Black Friday for about 4-6 hours. And these past two years....I was on crutches. I genuinely went to the crowded mall of angry moms and teens shopping their butts off...on crutches...only a few days after surgery on my leg. Let's just say it was a difficult task...but it was so worth it.
     But it's not just that. It's a day to spend with your family and give thanks (hence the name) to the ones you love and the fortune you've had. I remember always waking up early to help my dad cook, even though I hardly did anything because let's be real, I can't cook to save my life. I remember setting the table with the nicest plates, silverware, bowls, etc. that we own. I remember sitting at the table with the family that I actually have in Pennsylvania and saying thanks for all the things we don't normally take the time to be thankful for. And then of course I remember digging into the delicious feast.
     I didn't realize just how difficult it would be to be here. Thanksgiving doesn't exist here. It's almost like a myth...it's only something they've seen in movies or heard about, as it's only an American holiday. It's just another Thursday night. Going to school today was hard knowing everyone back home is spending the day at home with their families. 
     Since I can't be there to say my thanks, I'll just do it from across the sea.
     First of all, thank you to all my friends back home. I know I'm quite literally insane, sometimes in a funny way and sometimes it's actually kind of terrifying. Although I was born in California and had friends there, Pennsylvania is where I grew up. I grew up with you guys, I was raised with you guys, and I consider YOU GUYS my friends, my home, my family. Thank you so much for always helping me out when I needed it, thank you for supporting me, thank you for accepting me for everything that I am, even when it's probably difficult. You're the reason I love my life back home...it's all because of you guys. So thank you so much for being there for me.
      Second, thank you to everyone from AFS. All the staff, all the volunteers, all of my friends. You all made this trip possible for me, and I can't thank you enough. Though there are obviously struggles on this trip, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm having an incredible time, and I'm 100% sure that this is going to be the best year of my life...it already is. I hope every other student is having an incredible time, just as I am, and I want to thank you all for making this possible for me, and for being there for me when I needed the support or just someone to talk to.
     Thirdly, thank you to all of my new friends here in Spain. I absolutely can not thank you enough for taking me in. When I arrived here, I was terrified, alone, homesick, and I only understood a good 3%. But that didn't stop me, and it didn't stop you. Fast friends or friends later on, you have all been there for me, supporting me, showing me the way of life here, inviting me places, taking me into your groups of friends, helping me with my Spanish, being so patient with me because I know it's probably tough for you guys too, and most of all, for being so kind to me even though you don't know me. I know some people are having a tough time here, whether it be with their families or with making friends, so I'm so glad I'm at an incredible school with amazing people that I love and I know for a fact will be best friends and family by the end of this year.
      Fourth, I would like to thank my family here. I couldn't be happier with my placement. Before arriving, I was terrified that I would be placed with a family that I didn't like or that didn't like me. That was one of the scariest parts. And even scarier than that was the thought of having to change families after arriving. But I am so incredibly content here. You guys make me feel so comfortable, like I'm really a part of the family, and that's all I ever wanted. I don't know how I'm going to live without you guys after this year, because I truly feel like we're a family now, and I know that our relationship and bond and trust are only going to grow stronger throughout the year. Thank you for being the greatest host family a girl could ever ask for.
     And finally, THANK YOU TO MY FAMILY. I know sometimes I take you guys for granted, but I wouldn't be who I am today without you guys. Taylor, Aaron, Josh, Jamie, I wish I could have grown up with you guys, but I'm glad we still have a great relationship. I love you guys so much it's painful and I can't wait til I live in California so I can be the annoying little sister you guys never really had. To Cash and Brooke, when I move to California, I will spoil the two of you, as well as any other nieces and nephews that may come along in the future, like any good aunt should do. I miss both of you adorable little rascals. To all my extended family, I love you guys so much, and I love that throughout the years, you've taken mom and I into your homes for however long every summer and how you're always so willing to drag us around, even though you probably have better things to be doing. It sucks having grown up away from all of you, but once I move back to California, you guys won't be able to get rid of me. And finally, to mom and dad, I love you guys more than anything in this world. I take you guys for granted and sometimes I treat you like crap, and I'm sorry for that...it's just because I'm a teenager...you know how it is. But I truly do appreciate you and everything that you've ever done for me. You've sacrificed so much for me and for the rest of the family, and for that, I am eternally grateful. You guys are my best friends in this world and I can trust you with anything and everything. I am who I am today because of the way you raised me and your ideals, but also because you've always supported mine, even if they were different. Your love and support is what's gotten me so far and what keeps me going. Without you I would be nothing. Thank you for everything. I can't wait to see you guys and show you around my new home, though my true home will always be with you guys, wherever you are. Missing you so much, especially during the holidays. I love you.
      Thank you to everyone in my life that has been there for me, that has helped me, that has loved me, and that has let me love them in return. You're all incredible. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!!

I just want to be angry

     It's so hard to be angry with someone that's so far away.
     I got in a fight with my mom yesterday on skype and I got pretty angry. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to be angry and stay angry so I could make a point. But I just couldn't.
     The second we stopped skyping, I felt horrible. I was still angry, but at the same time all I wanted to do was call her back; even if we didn't say anything, even if we were sitting in silence, both angry, I still wanted to see her. Missing her so much made it so difficult to be angry. 
      We ended up skyping again and laughing and talking like normal. I mean I guess I never ended up getting my point across, but oh well. It's more important to take the time that I can to have a genuine conversation with my mom that I miss probably more than anything (well both my parents equally) than to be stubborn to try to make a point. 
     Maybe if you're reading this, you think that I'm sharing too much, maybe you think, "I personally don't care about your family problems" but if you're on this program like me, or if you live far away from the ones that you love, you know how hard it is. When you're at home, it's easy to stalk off to your room with an attitude and not talk to your parents for however long to try to make your point. It's so much easier because you know that the second you stop being angry, they're right there waiting for you. You know the second you get over it, you can walk downstairs and talk to them, hug them, tell them your sorry, do whatever you feel the need to do to make the situation better again. But when you're so far away, you don't have them to fall back on whenever you want. They're not at the bottom of the stairs waiting for you to calm down and come to your senses to realize that yes, they were actually right, like most parents normally are (SHOCKING, I know...took me a while to figure it out, too). You only get certain chances to talk to them, only certain chances to see their face, and NO chances to hug them. So, you can be angry all you want, but it's going to tear away at you until you make it better. Luckily, I only let myself wallow in it for about an hour and a half before I called my mom back and just made myself get over how angry I was.
     I hope I'm not the only one who has experienced this...
     I just want to say to my mom that while yes, I'm still quite frustrated at the situation, I love you and miss you more than anything and I would give anything to fly back to PA just to hug you and watch Twilight on the couch with you while we eat ice cream and complain about guys. You and Dad are my best friends, and I just want you guys to know I love you bunches. XOXO

Convivencias

     Earlier this year, there was a day where we didn't go to school, but we were with our class all day, and it was basically just to get to know each other and talk about things a little more abstract. There was another one of these, yet for 2 1/2 days, and I just got back.
     So, Sunday at about 8, we arrived at the house after a 35(ish) minute bus ride, and we all thought we would be eating and going to bed. But nope...that was definitely not the case. We arrived, got beds (girls upstairs, guys downstairs) and sat at the tables, waiting for what felt like forever to be able to eat the sandwiches or whatever else we had brought along for dinner that night. Then at about 9:30, we started "games." These games were supposed to serve to get us to talk to people that we usually don't talk to, which didn't really work very well. Then after these games finished (11:30) we had free time until 12, when we finally went to bed.
     The next morning, we woke up at 9 and spent the entire day doing activities, listening to lectures, talking in small groups, all of this with meals and free time in between. By the end of the day, though we hadn't done anything particularly productive, we were all exhausted, but nope, we couldn't go to bed. We HAD to stay in either the dining area (where they moved the tables) or outside (where it was freezing cold). We finished everything we had planned by about 9:30-10 so we had to find a way to entertain ourselves for 2 hours until we could finally go to bed.
     Then today, we woke up at 9 again and did a small activity together, then we had 1 hour where we couldn't talk to anyone. We had to take that time to "be with ourselves" to reflect on our experience and our life in general. Usually I'm 100% okay with being alone...I actually love being alone to just think or watch a movie or read or do something where I can finally just relax. But it's so weird when there's about 40 some people all walking around outside, laying on benches, sitting in the room, all TOGETHER, but no one talking to each other. It's, what can I say, interesting, I suppose.
     Now, to explain a little... there are 4 classes in Primero de Bachillerato (my grade -- "junior year"), but they couldn't possibly fit all of us in the same house, so they took the two biggest classes (Primero C & D) and put them in the bigger house and they put the two smaller classes (Primero A & B) in the smaller house of the two. I am in Primero A, but I ended up going with classes C and D. I've never experienced anything like these "convivencias" because we don't exactly have them at our school, so I went with my host sister and my friends that are in her class. 
     Though, in the end, I honestly think I would have been 100% comfortable with the other classes too, as I'm starting to get closer with those girls, and I'm comfortable in class with all of them. And I kind of wish I had gone with them because I adore the people in my class and the other class, but the truth is, I don't know them all that well, and it would have been nice to all have a better understanding of each other. But hey, no pasa nada. 
     I guess in the end it was a pretty good experience. I met people from the other classes that I had never even seen before, people I thought were in the grade above me, I had some good laughs with my friends, and it was an absolutely beautiful location. Not sure I'd do it again, though. 
     The thing is, I don't think it's necessary to have to be there for 2 1/2 days when we could have done all of the activities in 1 day or maybe 1 1/2 days. We had a ridiculous amount of free time where we were just wandering around doing absolutely nothing. I mean it's not like we could have walked around town....we were in the middle of the mountains...AND it was freezing. It could have been organized better... 
     But hey, in the end, it was 2 1/2 days that I didn't have to be in class, 2 1/2 days I could spend with some of my friends, and 2 1/2 days that I had to meet and, well, very quickly "get to know" people that I hadn't met before. 

Feeling alive

     So, I FINALLY went to a discoteca, and this time I could actually enter, thank god, because I now have my official ID. 

     I was invited earlier this week by two of the girls from my class and I said yes because I was way too hype to be able to go to a discoteca. But I was nervous. I was nervous because these are girls that I had only talked to in class and they were going with a bunch of other girls that I didn't really know. It's a scary thing to throw yourself into a group of people that have been friends since they were kids and wonder if they're going to accept you. Wondering if you'll be accepted by anyone is terrifying. 

     Even though I was scared, I made myself go and I told myself that I would have a good time, and even if I didn't feel super comfortable with these girls or didn't have a good time, at least I would finally experience what it was like to be at a Spanish discoteca. 

     I mean after all, you aren't born with automatic friends. You have to go through the awkward initial stages of meeting them, getting to know them, and letting your wall down before you can let yourself trust them, before you can let yourself love them. So I just had hope that this would be the first step, that this would be the first night of many, that this would be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

     So I wandered my way over to where we were meeting and I had faith that I would have a good night, though I had no idea what to expect. 

      And from the moment we all met up to the very end of the night, I had an amazing time. They are some of the nicest, funniest, coolest people I've ever met. Yes they're wild, loud, and kind of crazy, but it's incredible. It's a vibe that you just can't find anywhere else. Yeah all my friends in America are crazy too, I mean what do you expect, I'M crazy...but here it's different. These people aren't just crazy....they're free...they're alive. And that's what I want for myself. And that's what I finally felt last night. 

      We spent the entire night in a club dedicated to teenagers dancing until we were about to pass out, laughing, just having an amazing time together. And now I have a whole new huge group of people that I feel comfortable with, more friends to add to the growing collection. I finally feel truly comfortable here. I finally feel like I'm getting it right. I finally feel alive. 

The Dreaded EXAMS

     Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been spending the last two weeks finishing up the last assignments for this trimester, making "graphic organizer"/note things to study from, and studying like crazy. Last Friday, this Monday, and this Tuesday, we had exams. No classes, just two or three 1 1/2 hour exams each day.
     God I worked and studied so hard. I mean, I always work and study hard, because getting good grades is just something that I kind of have to do...not like my parents force me to get A's or anything..I guess I'm kind of lucky in that way. But I do it for me. I do it because I want to learn, because I want to get good grades, because it makes me feel good, and because I'm trying to get into one of the most prestigious universities in the continental US and quite frankly, the world: Stanford University.
     The first day of exams, I took the tests for Spanish Literature and Latin. The second day, I took the tests for History and English(obviously that one was RIDICULOUSLY easy). And the third day, I took the tests for Economy and Philosophy.
     Now mind you, these are not tests where there are four choices to choose from and maybe a couple short open-ended questions. They don't do tests like that here...they're too "easy" although in the US, like let's be real, they're not always easy. Anyway, they give you a topic and you have to write everything that you've learned about that topic in paragraph form. They give you blank pages and you just write away for the entire class. Now mind you, I'd be pretty good at that in English because I've always been a strong writer. However, having to do it in Spanish...it's torture. When I study, I not only have to study the content but how it's written in the book or in my notes so I know how to write it on the test. It's quite a lot of work.
     But for what it's worth, for only being here for two months, I'm doing SO well. I thought I would be failing my classes for the first few months, but I'm pulling extremely high grades, a lot of times higher than my classmates. And while I'm sure most of that is from the fact that I probably study a lot longer and harder than them, I'm still pretty dang proud of myself.
     So, the results...all the scoring here is out of 10, not done to a 0-100% scale, though it's obviously super easy to do the math to see what that would be. Anywho...the scores of the tests... Literature : 9.4  // Latin : 10  // History : 9.4  // English : haven't gotten the scores but I'm gonna go ahead and assume 10  // Economy : 9.5  // Philosophy : 9.6. 
    I'm literally so happy. We get our official grades for the trimester next Friday, and I know for a fact that I have good grades. Of course the first exams I took had lower scores, though they were still pretty good scores. And the class grade is the exams and classwork put together, just like in America. So I guess we'll see!!
     If you plan on going abroad, you need to know that YES it's a lot of work. There will be days when you're so frustrated because you're trying to cram in the same amount of information as the rest of the students, only the catch is that you're not nearly on the same language level as them. You're going to have to study hard and work hard, but it's possible to get good grades. Don't tell yourself "I'm going to fail" like I did, because I worried about it SO much before leaving the US. And now I'm here and pulling basically the same grades as in the US. So if your grades are important to you, it IS possible to keep them up, I promise you..I mean look at me, I've done it. You could too!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

     Yes, yes, I know today isn't Halloween...don't pester me about it... Yesterday I didn't get home until 12:30 AM and I went straight to bed, and today I've been studying all day.
     Anywho, HALLOWEEN!!! Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday. I think it's so great. It's a day dedicated to those who weren't lucky enough to survive, those who have passed from this world to another, if there is one, which there must be another world of some sort, because how could we just be GONE after this life? But it's not just that. It's a day where we have the chance to be ANYTHING that we could ever dream of. We can get sexy in little bunny rabbit or cop costumes, we can scare the living daylights out of other people in Jason or Freddy Krueger costumes, or we can fulfill our darkest fantasies in a witch, vampire, or werewolf costume. I mean hey, the choice is yours. Anything we could possibly want is accepted for ONE night of the year. And that's what I love the most.
     This year, unlike every other year, I did NOT dress up. Halloween, while yes it is celebrated here, it is NO WHERE near as popular as it is in the states. This month was slightly difficult here because I was constantly seeing pictures of the leaves falling, the pumpkins being carved, the costumes, everything I wasn't seeing here. 
     No I didn't go party with all my friends, which I admit, would have been super fun. However, I did have fun! I ended up going to my host aunt's house with my sister and my cousins, sister, aunt, uncle and I pigged out on normal Spanish foods (pan, jamon y chorizo, tortilla de patatas, etc) and then had so much candy and soda I literally thought I might burst. We also made caramel apples, which I must admit, was a serious FAIL. Like terrible. But I mean, hey, it was quite the funny experience. 
     The first thing we did was watch a "scary" movie. It was Rosemary's Baby....if you've ever seen it, you'll know it's the farthest thing from scary. It's a pretty old movie about a demon baby, which normally would be super interesting, but the fact that it's old makes it less scary, because they didn't have the effects that we do these days. Let's just say it was...interesting.
     Then I played some piano with my cousin. And after that, it was time to look at the stars. This is the aunt that has a house in the mountains and I can finally see the stars. God it's incredible. Every time I look up at the sky on a clear night, I'm completely mesmerized by the immensity of it all. And of course, the moon was incredibly huge. 
     While no it wasn't the craziest Halloween I've ever had, it was still a lot of fun. And it's amazing to be able to spend time with my family. I ALWAYS have fun with my family, and it's so nice to finally have family living close to me, as in the US, basically my entire family lives across the continental US. Family is forever. 

Lost in the Stars

     I've finally felt a little homesickness after not feeling it for about 2 weeks. This time, I wasn't missing my friends or family or house or school. This time I was missing the stars. 
     Now mind you, I don't live in the middle of a city. I live on the outskirts of a village, but there are always street lights and the sounds of cars on the highway the street over, the sound of children and their parents arguing in the streets, the sound of the neighbors moving furniture or whatever the heck they're doing. 
     I'm used to solitude. I'm used to going home to a relatively quite house (besides when there are screaming matches between family members) with my own room to lock myself in when I need to recover from a particularly hectic day. Mind you, I love having siblings that are actually close in age that I can hang out with, as my real siblings are much older than me and grew up across the United States from me.But I'm still getting used to always having people around, always sharing everything (my room with my sister, the bathroom with both siblings,etc.), and to living in an apartment, which is considerably smaller than my own home. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier with where I am and the family that I have here, but it's still a bit different and, at times, still a bit strange. 
     I was at my host aunt's house the other night. She lives sort of in the mountains, has her own house, and we can actually see the sky there. That's when I realized just how much I missed the stars. Not just the stars...the peace, the tranquility of nature, the quiet of the night. I miss laying in the grass at my house, gazing at the vast, endless universe, trying to make out constellations. I miss hearing nothing but the crickets and the wind blowing through the leaves of the ridiculously beautiful green trees. I miss feeling at peace, like everything is exactly as it should be, like everything is perfectly at rest, one harmonious being, breathing as one, acting as one.
     I miss staring at the stars and being able to just THINK. Sometimes, I find that with all the things going on and all the people around me, I don't have time to just think anymore. That's what I love the most: when I can just ponder how meaningless human life is when you take into account the rest of the universe. It's so crazy to think that we are nothing. We are a tiny speck in the endless reality. There could be beings out there JUST LIKE US, or related to us but extremely different. And hey, maybe they're staring at the stars the exact same moment that I am, seeing a different set of stars, wondering if there's anyone or anything else out there that resembles the life they have. 
     In the grand scheme of things, the problems that we have just seem so meaningless. They seem so materialistic, so human, so relative. That's why I love to look at the stars. They put everything into perspective. And that's something I've been lacking for a while. Since I've gotten here, I've given too much reason to the problems I've had, making them more than they need to be. In the life that I was given, I've been blessed beyond belief, and I'm thankful for that. 
     I didn't realize just how much I missed the stars, the nature, the quiet, the peace. I didn't realize how much I missed the feeling of laying in the damp, cold grass, getting lost in the stars that cover the sky like a blanket, getting lost in the promises of life. 

Annabelle

     So, Saturday, I went to see Annabelle with some of my girlfriends from school, my host sister, and a friend from the US who is here with AFS, too.
     For those of you that don't know what Annabelle is, it's a horror movie. (WARNING: Plot killer:) There's a family who are getting ready to have a baby when the daughter of their next door neighbors and her boyfriend go on a killing spree, killing their own parents and attacking their neighbors, this couple with the baby. When the cops come, the girl locks herself in the nursery with this doll that the husband had given the wife for the baby, and this girl kills herself, as a sacrifice to the devil. They were in a cult or something like that. And this allows an evil spirit to possess the doll.
     So, the doll starts haunting the family and brings the devil with it, I guess. It's looking for a soul to take with it, trying to take the baby's soul, because it can't exactly resist. In the end, the mom is about to commit suicide with the doll in her hands to sacrifice her soul for her child. But everything ends up alright in the end, and the doll is in some museum, locked behind glass.
     This is actually a real story! I mean, obviously there are things that have been changed or dramatized, because that's kind of what Hollywood does, but it's a genuine thing. And the doll is in some whacky museum of paranormal things in Connecticut. That's literally the most scary part about it.
     I used to HATE scary movies, but now I love them! I mean, they still scare the living bejeezus out of me, but for some reason, I find them absolutely fascinating, especially the paranormal ones.
     Not only was it great because the movie was awesome, but it was great because of the experience in the theater. Now mind you, I was a little nervous because this was my first time to the movie theater in Spain. I wasn't sure if I'd even be able to understand anything, as they do voice overs in Spanish (which is absolutely hilarious btw). But I understood pretty well; almost everything, actually.
     The theater was huge and FULL of people, though I don't think the movie is very new, though I could be wrong, I have no idea. All the people were yelling at the screen, hiding behind sweatshirts, flipping out. It was actually quite hilarious to be a part of. At times, I even found myself yelling at the screen in Spanish as if the characters could hear me (not like they'd listen anyway, all scary movies kind of go the same way in terms of character stupidity).
     But yeah, sorry if I ruined the movie for you. If you've seen it, I'd love to know what you thought. And if you haven't, I definitely recommend going to see it.
     And if you ever get the chance to go to a (possibly new) movie in a theater with a bunch of crazy Spanish people, GO FOR IT. It's pretty funny!

Guggenheim

     So, Bilbao is kind of only really known because of the Guggenheim museum. It is not the only Guggenheim museum, but the one in Bilbao is made out of titanium, glass, and limestone. If you see it while walking or driving by, it looks like a boat. However, if you are looking at it from above, it is said to look like a blooming rose. It is truly quite spectacular.
     Today was somehow actually the first time that I entered it. I was with three of my friends that are here with AFS as well, hanging out in Bilbao for the afternoon, because tomorrow, one of them is changing host families and moving all the way to Barcelona!!!! That's like 5 hours away, and we're all really going to miss him. But I'm happy he found a better living situation. 
     Anywho, we entered, and the inside of the building is even more spectacular than the outside. Unfortunately, at this moment, I don't have any pictures because my phone was dead while we were there, but my friends took some, and they will send them eventually. As soon as I get those pictures, I will post them along with this blog post, no worries. 
     However, even though I knew that it was a MODERN art museum, I still didn't really realize what that meant. The first floor was literally a room with a bunch of ginormous wooden/metal/IDon'tEvenKnowWhat sculptures. But they weren't sculptures of anything special. They were literally just big half circles. I was like what the hell is this? Did they forget to finish this exhibit? Is there supposed to be something more?
     And of course, the second floor doesn't open until tomorrow, so we didn't get to see that.
     Then there was the third floor, which was better, but still kind of ridiculous. There were metal boxes, giant wooden platforms that had "fallen" on each other (genuinely looked like Jenga in mega form), and paintings where I'm pretty sure the person just splattered every color they could find on the canvas. And all these things are "special" in some way, and probably millions of dollars. 
     I just don't understand. I did not like it at all. Maybe I just don't understand modern art, or maybe I just don't see the significance in the paintings/sculptures. For example, with the one painting that was literally just splatters of colors, my friend was like, "Yeah I think there's a lot of darkness and different colors to represent the craziness after World War II," or something like that. I was like, "Uhm that literally looks like he spilled all the paint." I just don't get it. I guess my kind of art is a quite literal painting of something, like the beach, or a forest, or a person. I'm not creative enough to see those things, I suppose.
     So if you're super into modern art, and you see a deeper meaning in all of it, then the Guggenheim is the place for you. But if you're like me, I suggest going to see the outside, and possibly walking into the lobby of the building, but it's not really worth the money, which surprisingly isn't a lot. But I guess at least I can say I've been to the Guggenheim in Bilbao!!

New Blog

     Just a heads up, in case you are curious or bored or like to read: I've just started a new blog. It's very random, nothing special. I've always loved to write. I don't think there's any better way to express yourself than with the written word. I think a pen and paper are two of the absolute most important things in this world, and they can get you so far. I've always been a writer, and whether it's obligatory (for example, a class essay) or for enjoyment, I always put my entire heart and soul into what I'm writing. I'm a very complicated thinker with deep feelings and a passionate soul, and for that, I think writing is an excellent outlet for expression. So, I've decided to create a blog where I just write...anything. Poems, short stories, anything random. It's never incredibly long, no worries, you won't be reading a novel. But I always write little things when I'm bored or when I'm feeling something in particular, and I decided, why not share them. Maybe someone can connect with me in one way or another through these stories. There's only 2 posts as of this moment: an introduction and a poem I've written, but I promise there will be more soon. So, if you've got any interest, and you'd like to check it out, click here. Thanks guys!

No place I'd rather be

     You wanna hear something weird? I had that one day where the homesickness was eating away at me and I thought I might break for a while. And then, for an entire week, I felt absolutely no homesickness. Nothing, whatsoever. 
     I mean, there's a huge possibility that that's partly because I was super busy all week. I had a ridiculous amount of homework and studying this past week, and then I spent almost my whole weekend with the other exchange students at an orientation, which was obviously kind of lame, but at the same time really fun because of the people (and the ability to express myself in English). 
     But I think it's kind of amazing that not just for a day, not just for one random morning, or when I was sitting in a cafe in Bilbao, but for an entire week, I have felt content. I feel like I belong here. I feel like this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
     And while yes, it's hard to see the pictures of everyone doing things together, especially for Halloween, because that's my favorite holiday and it's not very popular here, I still can't imagine being there right now. I can't imagine being anywhere but here.
     And for the first time, I'm starting to become extremely attached to the people here, to the place that I live, and to the experience that I'm going through. The thought of leaving actually makes me slightly depressed because there's so many things I have left to see, to learn, to say, to understand, and most importantly, to feel. I'm not ready to leave, and I'm starting to wonder if there will be a time when I AM ready.
     Yes, Pennsylvania will always be my home, but this is my home now too, just like California will always be my home, as well. Moving doesn't mean you've left behind the place you were before, nor does it mean giving up the people you loved before. Moving means opening your eyes to more beautiful sights, opening your mind to experiences yet to come, opening your arms to new relationships you're bound to make, and opening your heart to new family, new friends, and new love. It's expanding the realm of the life you already had. That's why I think studying abroad is the greatest thing anyone could ever do, besides curing cancer or something like that, of course. It's giving you a chance to open yourself up to a whole new life, a whole new way of thinking, and a whole new world.
     "What would I say to those who are thinking of studying abroad but are having doubts? ..... Just do it. Because I believe that the best experiences come from the things you're afraid of."

The Forgotten

     It's obviously painful to miss someone. You feel an emptiness where they used to reside. You feel an ache for them, an ache to see them again, an ache to be able to laugh with them, touch them, hold them, really BE with them. Sometimes it can even drive you crazy. 
     However, I think missing someone can also be terrifying. What's scary isn't the fact that you miss them...what's scary is wondering if they even miss you back. What's scary is wondering if you ever cross their mind. What's scary is wondering if they even care that you're gone. 
      And that's how I feel today. I look on Instagram and see countless photos from the Homecoming dance, which let's be honest, I probably wouldn't have gone to anyway, as I think school dances are an egocentric popularity contest set to music. But here's the thing, all of the people that I grew up with, that I miss, that I love, are all in one place, smiling, laughing, hoping, and loving. All of them are having a great time, all of them together, and all of it without me. And I realize that I'm having an experience that's ridiculously incredible and exciting and I'm so beyond happy and content here with my new family, city, friends, etc. But it still sucks to watch them all grow closer as I slowly drift farther away. 
     The worst part is having to wonder if they're forgetting about me. I know it's probably stupid to think that, but it's a genuine concern. It's only been a month, and I already worry that I've slipped their mind...that's what worries me. I'm spending an entire year in a totally different place, secluded from those back home, those that are spending this year together, laughing together, crying together, making memories together, falling in and out of love together. And all of these things, whether good or bad, are going to bring them closer, going to push them into each other, push them into loving and trusting each other more than ever. And all the while, I'm being pushed away. Each day that goes by, it becomes easier for them to forget. Eventually, they'll no longer see the empty desk as the place I used to be...to them, it will be just another empty desk. 
     That's what scares me...feeling like I won't be remembered, like I won't be missed...but feeling like I deserve to be remembered, like I deserve to be missed, at least by some. Feeling like I gave everything I could to some people, feeling like I shared something with them, like we're now holding little pieces of each other within our own hearts. Feeling like for that reason, I deserve to be preserved in their memory, at least for longer than only one month. 
      Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just lonely, and having a bad day, and missing home a little too much. But I just don't want to lose anything back home while I search for new things here. And maybe that makes me selfish...wanting to have a life in both places, wanting to keep those that I love in both places, wanting to be a part of two lives, both mine. But if that makes me selfish, then hell, I'm okay with that. Because to me, giving up everything back home to find "better" things here is selfish, it's crazy to assume that's possible (at least for me), and it's horrible. I could never give up on those that I love. And for that reason, I will hold on as tightly as humanly possible to those I love; I will preserve them in my memory for as long as I'm away; I will remember them, I will miss them, and I will love them...no matter what part of the world I'm in. I can only hope I meant enough to them to get that in return...

"You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place."