Integration

     Today was a good day. Today we had "school" technically, but we didn't have "classes." We had to do these activities and discussions that were designed to understand ourselves, understand each other, and bring us closer, I guess. I was genuinely dreading it. I was nervous, I was anxious, and I felt rather sick about it. I think it was because I assumed we'd be splitting into partners or small groups and doing things that generally make us feel slightly uncomfortable ("ice-breakers"), and that I'd be forced to talk. I was terrified.
     But, it was actually really fun. First, we read something written that was intended for the writer and for God, I think, if I'm not mistaken, which I very well could be. And it was someone who was willing to accept themselves as they were because they knew that God would love them no matter what. Then, we listened to a song all about being the person that we are. After that, we read a story about two men, a ring, and some gold. Long story short, it's about the fact that each and every one of us is important, that we are worth something, and that we serve a purpose. The idea is that we should never take to heart the judgement given by those who can not properly judge our worth.
     Side track for a sec, that writing actually resonated with me, because there are people that will tear others down and make them feel inferior. But it's more important what our friends (real ones) think of us, what our families think of us, and most importantly, what we think of ourselves. SO BE CONFIDENT IN EVERYTHING YOU DO.
     Anywho, back to today; we read that and then our tutor gave us a paper with a bunch of adjectives. We had to pick three that were good about ourselves, and one that was bad. Then we had to go around the circle and say the adjectives we thought described ourselves and why we thought that. I said I'm smart because I understand a lot, and I love to learn. I said I'm hopeful because I think it's important to be positive and to be hopeful and to always believe in yourself and the way things will turn out. Then I said I'm caring because the feelings of others are just as important, if not more important, than my own. The bad one is that I'm impatient, which ended up being the "bad one" for most people.
     That was the way the class got to know me, and I the class. It was actually fun to just be able to talk to our tutor and with each other about a bunch of things, and to talk about ourselves, to let each other a little further beneath the surface.
     Most importantly, this was the first day that I finally felt integrated. There are times when I feel more integrated than others. Like every once in a while, I feel really awkward and I wonder what I'm doing there. But then there are other times that I feel like it's the right place for me, even if I'm not totally comfortable yet. But today was the first day that I felt less like a charity case and more like a fellow student. I felt like I was there as one of them, among the rest of them, and that I could laugh and speak freely.
     I've got a really great class, and it's getting easier to open up to them. I'm less isolated, I talk more, and I feel a little more "at home." Obviously I'm nowhere near 100% here, because I've only been in school for 2 weeks. But I have hope. I know that things will get better, and that every day it will get easier.
     What helps me keep going sometimes is to think about the fact that every year, I complain to my mom about my classes, because I feel like I have no one in them, or all my friends are in a class and I'm in the other, or something of the sort. But then after a few weeks, I always end up adoring my class, making new friends, and having tons of fun. I'm sure the very same will happen this year. I just have to give it time. But I truly feel good and confident and ready to take on the rest of this year.