It's currently 9:25 AM, June 26, 2015. This is it. Today I leave. Well technically today I go to Madrid for one last orientation and then TOMORROW we actually go home. Anyway, this is it. In about an hour and a half, I have to leave for the bus station. There, my two best friends and my boyfriend will meet me, and that's it...last goodbyes...it's over.
I can't believe it. I can't believe I did it. I can't believe an entire year has passed. It feels like this year has FLOWN by, but it's also been the longest year of my life. This has been the BEST year of my life, but I've also had some of my worst moments this year. It was a process, a roller-coaster, a true journey. I knew that even before coming, but it was never actually REAL. This is....this is real now. I've lived the experience and now I'm ending it. The only part that I have yet to live is the official goodbye and the return home.
I remember the beginning of the year when I didn't understand anything or anyone. I was so lost. I felt so alone. I wanted nothing more than to go home. And the worst part about the beginning was that no one believed I could do it; everyone thought I would fail. I could see it in their faces and they've told me countless times that they never thought I'd do so well. It's terrifying to try to believe in yourself when the people around you clearly don't believe in you.
I remember asking for forgiveness and always apologizing for not understanding, for needing so much help and attention, for not being like the rest of them...but you know what! NEVER APOLOGIZE. You're just starting a year abroad. You've done one of the bravest things you could ever do--you took that step and you went to another country. I don't care how great you think you speak Spanish or German or Chinese or whatever language it may be, and I don't care how much you think you know the culture....you don't. You will get lost. You will need a lot of help. It's OKAY, it's NORMAL. Don't freak out, and definitely don't apologize. Just appreciate them and what they're doing and be sure to thank them. It's a natural process that must occur for you to eventually succeed.
I remember the moments when I met and started talking to my best friends. I remember being uncomfortable and terrified at first. I remember slowly building relationships and becoming closer and developing trust and love. I remember ending the year with best friends I feel like I've had for an entire lifetime and that I can't imagine my life without.
I remember when I first hung out with my boyfriend. We were just friends and we decided we would keep it that way. But after a month, I remember we decided "You know what, screw it, let's go for it!" I remember being terrified to jump into a relationship not knowing how it would go and being scared that it would go really well and that I would have to leave him. But I also remember feeling like it was worth it...why would you come here and waste your time being afraid or thinking of the future? I didn't want to do that, and neither did he, so we lived in the moment, and I'm so glad I made that decision because I couldn't be happier.
I remember so many things, and I'll remember them for the rest of my life. I can only hope that I've made even a fraction of the impact on these people and this place and they have on me.
I'm different. I've changed. I'm not the same person I was when I left, and I'll never be that person again. If you've never gone abroad, you don't understand, because one year in Lancaster County doesn't change you that much. Maybe a few little things change, but you're ultimately the same person you were before unless something monumental happens to you overnight. But if you've gone abroad, if you've spent a year alone in a foreign country speaking a different language, you change. You have to change. You have to mature and grow up. You have to learn to be on your own and to be okay with it. You have to learn how to have fun but take responsibility for your actions if you take it too far. You have to be willing to explore outside your comfort zone. That's how you change. When you leave your home to study abroad, you have a chance to get to know yourself: what you like, what you don't, what you want for your life, what you don't, who you want IN your life, who you don't... You have a chance to FIND yourself. And that's what I did this year...I found myself, and I LOVE myself.
It's scary though to see that I've changed so much, because I worry that I won't fit in at home anymore. I wonder if my friends will still be my friends. I wonder if my life will still be my life. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder...and that wondering terrifies me, and that's one of the things that keeps me up at night these days.
The other thing that keeps me up at night is knowing that I have to leave it all behind. I can keep in touch with my friends, teachers, family, boyfriend, anyone really. I can continue to speak Spanish with the very few people back home that do as well. I can hope and pray that I'll be able to come back and visit someday. But it's not enough. I want to LIVE here, I want to BE a part of this community like I've been doing all year. And I can't. I have to let it go, leave it behind, in ONE day. That's what's so scary. In ONE day I have to leave behind an entire WORLD that I've come to know and love. I'm not ready...I don't think I ever could be, to be honest.
I've been across Spain, I've been to other countries, and I've been to many states in the US, but I've never seen anything quite like Euskal Herria. It's the most beautiful, homey place I've ever been. This year I fell in love with this place, with Bilbao, with Mungia, with the Basque people, with the Basque culture. I fell in love, and now it breaks my heart to have to go home. It breaks my heart because I know that the truth is I'm LEAVING home behind.....
I LOVE YOU ALL. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING. PLEASE DON'T FORGET ME. XOXOXO
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