My host sister decided it was a good idea to Skype with her. Of course, I was extremely excited to really be able to talk to her for the first time. At the same time, I was so incredibly nervous. What if it's awkward? I thought. What if I have nothing to say? What if she doesn't like me? What if we just sit there staring at each other? What if I can't understand her?
To be honest, a little bit of all of that happened. Well, not that she didn't like me. It WAS slightly awkward, there was some silence, I was at a loss for words, and I was having difficulty understanding her. However, it was a good experience. We both laughed a lot, we were both nervous, and we were both just so excited to finally be able to almost "be together," even if it was just moving images through the interconnected web to a different country.
While it was fun and entertaining, it was also a wake up call. It's easy to say I'm getting a lot better at Spanish while I'm sitting behind a computer with the ability to use Google Translate whenever I need. It's easy to think I'm pretty good at speaking the language when I have as much time as I need to respond to the written email. However, actually speaking Spanish and being spoken to is so much harder than I even imagined.
Maybe I was just nervous, but every question I had thought of slipped my mind. I could think of absolutely nothing to say. I even forgot how to conjugate verbs properly, which is one of the most basic, elementary things to do. I couldn't get myself to think properly. And if THAT was hard, I don't even want to get into understanding her. It seemed like a big, long, jumbled line of mush rushing in one ear and out the other.
It's easy to sit in Spanish class and complete the packets, read the passages, listen to the teacher, and answer a question or two. It makes you feel like you're really getting somewhere, like maybe you could be good at this. But, gosh is it scary to actually have to rely on your small amount of knowledge to get you somewhere. Not going to lie, it makes me slightly afraid of going to Spain, slightly afraid of being so lost. But at the same time, if you don't struggle, you'll never feel what it's like to finally be at peace. And if you don't get lost, you'll never be found.
I'm ready to get lost, because I trust that someday, I'm going to be found. And it won't have to be by anyone else, I won't have to depend on another person to come along and find me wandering aimlessly. That is the case sometimes. Sometimes you have to be found by others. But in this case, I can find myself. And I believe I will. I'm ready...are you?
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
What I'll be packing
I decided it was probably a good idea to go through my closet and decide what things to pack, make sure it all fit, and make sure it met the weight requirements. This was actually a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, and it took a lot more time, too. I don't think I ever realized how much stuff I had until I had to go through ALL of it. I also didn't realize how little I could pack, until I kept having throw things out of my suitcase because nothing was fitting.
I started with my closet and just ripped everything off the hangers, trying it all on as I went, throwing things into 3 piles: yes, no, maybe. Let's just say there was quite a large yes pile and quite a small no pile. After putting all the no's back, I went through the maybe pile and sorted things into the "yes maybe's" and the "no maybe's." Then I had to go through the yes pile about 5 times to get it down to a good size. Then I had to go through my dressers and my shoe bin. Let's just say, I had to throw quite a few things into a new no pile as I was trying to make everything fit.
I didn't realize how much stuff I felt attached to, even if I don't wear it often. Gosh was it hard. But this is a chance to be able to shop in Spain and to have more of a "Euro style," so I'm pretty excited for that. Below will be a list of the things (minus toiletries) that I will be packing, or that I would like to pack, at this point. I'm sure the list will change. I'm totally stealing this idea from Lilly Cook, one of my fellow AFS bloggers. I hope she doesn't mind(:
PANTS:
Sweats (1)
Shorts (3)
Sports shorts (2)
Leggings (3)
Sports leggings (2)
Jeans (4)
Pants (1)
Spandex (1)
TOPS:
Dresses (9)
Short sleeve t-shirts (3)
Long sleeve t-shirts (2)
Crop tops (5)
Tank tops (9)
Nice tops (14)
Sweatshirt (1)
Jean Jacket (1)
Blazers (2)
SHOES:
Sneakers
Converse
Sandals
Flip Flops
Vans
Sperry Top Siders
Combat boots
Heels
OTHERS:
Bathing suits (2)
Hats (3)
Underwear, bras, sports bras, socks
I'll also be bringing gifts for my host family, 2 journals (one that I write in quite a lot and one that was given to me with notes from my friends), jewelry, books, and my laptop.
While this was a hard task, it was also very fun to be able to choose the things that I would let new people see. It's kind of like reinventing yourself in a way. Then again, this whole process is a way to reinvent yourself.
The Goodbyes
Last Thursday was my goodbye bonfire. It was just a way to get everyone together one last time. About 30 people showed up, and I am so grateful to have had the chance to hang out with them one last time.
Not going to lie, I sort of dreaded the idea of the bonfire, as well, afraid that it would be too painful to sit around all the people I would have to let go of for a year. But, it was so fun. For a while, I was able to forget about the impending goodbyes, and I could just be there, be present, with all those that I loved.
Then, my mother decided to do this activity where they would go around the circle and every person would say what they were going to miss about me. Let me tell you, it was quite an entertaining activity. The answers ranged from "Your obnoxious but hilarious laugh," to "Practically living at your house, which has become my second home." There was a wide variety of answers, but they all made me feel loved, even if they were the craziest answers. I felt like I really would be missed, like they really would notice my absence. It was reassuring, to say the least.
I had written these personalized notes/letters to everyone that told me they would be present, and even some of the ones I knew couldn't make it. Each letter contained memories, encouragements, or things I would sincerely miss about them. While, yes, it took ridiculously long (like, I'm talking 6+ hours over the course of a few days), I am so glad that I wrote them. It showed each person, individually, that they meant so much to me, and it was a sort of way for them to hold onto me while I was gone, for them to know that I would still think of them.
Knowing what I was doing for all of my friends, my mom decided to buy a journal and pass it around at the bonfire so everyone could write their personal notes for me inside. Looking through the journal the next day, some of the entries made me laugh harder than I have in a while, and some of them made me love more than I have in a while. This journal is something that I can take with me, something that I can go back and read when I feel lost and alone along the way, which I am sure to. I recommend it to anyone going abroad in the future, or anyone who is still planning on having a going away party. I'm so beyond glad to have done it.
While, yes, it was incredibly hard to say goodbye to all these amazing people, as I know that was probably the last time I will see most of them for a year, it was a great opportunity to feel for one last time the way it felt to be with all those that I love.
Not going to lie, I sort of dreaded the idea of the bonfire, as well, afraid that it would be too painful to sit around all the people I would have to let go of for a year. But, it was so fun. For a while, I was able to forget about the impending goodbyes, and I could just be there, be present, with all those that I loved.
Then, my mother decided to do this activity where they would go around the circle and every person would say what they were going to miss about me. Let me tell you, it was quite an entertaining activity. The answers ranged from "Your obnoxious but hilarious laugh," to "Practically living at your house, which has become my second home." There was a wide variety of answers, but they all made me feel loved, even if they were the craziest answers. I felt like I really would be missed, like they really would notice my absence. It was reassuring, to say the least.
I had written these personalized notes/letters to everyone that told me they would be present, and even some of the ones I knew couldn't make it. Each letter contained memories, encouragements, or things I would sincerely miss about them. While, yes, it took ridiculously long (like, I'm talking 6+ hours over the course of a few days), I am so glad that I wrote them. It showed each person, individually, that they meant so much to me, and it was a sort of way for them to hold onto me while I was gone, for them to know that I would still think of them.
Knowing what I was doing for all of my friends, my mom decided to buy a journal and pass it around at the bonfire so everyone could write their personal notes for me inside. Looking through the journal the next day, some of the entries made me laugh harder than I have in a while, and some of them made me love more than I have in a while. This journal is something that I can take with me, something that I can go back and read when I feel lost and alone along the way, which I am sure to. I recommend it to anyone going abroad in the future, or anyone who is still planning on having a going away party. I'm so beyond glad to have done it.
While, yes, it was incredibly hard to say goodbye to all these amazing people, as I know that was probably the last time I will see most of them for a year, it was a great opportunity to feel for one last time the way it felt to be with all those that I love.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
My Inspiration
This post is a thank you to one of the greatest people I know. This post is to Paige Rothfus. While my interest in study abroad stemmed from hosting students for 10 years and seeing them become a part of my family and community, the dream could never have become a reality without her.
I never knew it was possible to study abroad. I mean, I had never really heard about people going abroad from the US in high school. I had only ever heard of people coming to the US. But then, I heard about Paige going to Spain. She did something that is absolutely not normal for our school, something foreign (no pun intended) to all of us. She had the strength to break away from everything normal, everything comforting, everything safe. She did it. She survived the year and had nothing but good things to say about the program, the country, AFS. I knew if she could do it, so could I.
That's where my journey began. I messaged her on Facebook, asking all kinds of questions, terrified but excited. Though she didn't know me, she was so much help to me. Not only has she helped me improve my Spanish, but she has helped me along every step of the way in this crazy process. She has supported me, encouraged me, and been there for me through it all. There are parts of this process that stressed me out or scared me, but she was always there to help or offer advice.
Throughout this year, she has become one of my absolute best friends, and I am so thankful to have her and to have received her help. This wouldn't be real without her. I wouldn't be leaving in 15 days if it wasn't for her.
So thank you, Paige, for giving me the courage to take a chance. Thank you for supporting me AND my crazy dreams. Thank you for being like a sister to me. Thank you for everything you've done for me. I honestly can't thank you enough. Love you always, Paige.
I never knew it was possible to study abroad. I mean, I had never really heard about people going abroad from the US in high school. I had only ever heard of people coming to the US. But then, I heard about Paige going to Spain. She did something that is absolutely not normal for our school, something foreign (no pun intended) to all of us. She had the strength to break away from everything normal, everything comforting, everything safe. She did it. She survived the year and had nothing but good things to say about the program, the country, AFS. I knew if she could do it, so could I.
That's where my journey began. I messaged her on Facebook, asking all kinds of questions, terrified but excited. Though she didn't know me, she was so much help to me. Not only has she helped me improve my Spanish, but she has helped me along every step of the way in this crazy process. She has supported me, encouraged me, and been there for me through it all. There are parts of this process that stressed me out or scared me, but she was always there to help or offer advice.
Throughout this year, she has become one of my absolute best friends, and I am so thankful to have her and to have received her help. This wouldn't be real without her. I wouldn't be leaving in 15 days if it wasn't for her.
So thank you, Paige, for giving me the courage to take a chance. Thank you for supporting me AND my crazy dreams. Thank you for being like a sister to me. Thank you for everything you've done for me. I honestly can't thank you enough. Love you always, Paige.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
What we leave behind
Today marks the turning point of the summer. Today is the day that my high school got their schedules for the upcoming school year. All I see on Instagram is pictures of schedules with the caption, "Comment if you have any classes with me!" Underneath the pictures, there's comments from tons of people: "Chem," "WoodTech," "Spanish," "Lit,".
I'm not going to lie, it actually makes me really sad. It's a reminder that yes, I will be doing something that's totally worth gloating about, but what's the fun if you have no one to gloat to? I'm going to be all alone in Spain, surrounded by new people, places, and things, while everyone here falls back into the same routine with the same people they've known forever. I don't regret my decision and I couldn't be happier that I'm going to Spain, but the thing is, this is comfort to me. My home, with my friends, in my school, taking my classes in my own language.
I feel kind of guilty about being sad, like I should be grateful for being able to have this opportunity. And don't get me wrong, I am incredibly happy, incredibly excited, and incredibly grateful for this. But it's still going to be hard to leave everything I've really ever known. While I'm away, the people that I know, the people that I call my friends, are going to move forward without me. They're going to smile, laugh, cry, break, and recover without me. They're going to fall out of old habits and into new ones. They're going to meet new people and create new relationships. They're going to be completely different. And so will I. I just wonder how I'll readjust to my high school and community when I get back. Because after this year, there will be an un-bridgeable gap between me and them.
When people talk about what it was like to be abroad, they talk about the delicious food, the beautiful places, the sweet host family. They talk about all the amazing times they had in a new place. It's funny that they never really mention what we leave behind, which is us as we've known ourselves for our whole lives. After this year, we will no longer be the people that we were when we left. I think we all are just hoping (or at least I am) that this will mold us into the people we've wanted to be but were too sheltered to become. I don't know about you, my fellow AFSers, but I'm ready for a change, even if that means leaving everything comforting behind.
Here are some pictures of my amazing friends and I:
I'm not going to lie, it actually makes me really sad. It's a reminder that yes, I will be doing something that's totally worth gloating about, but what's the fun if you have no one to gloat to? I'm going to be all alone in Spain, surrounded by new people, places, and things, while everyone here falls back into the same routine with the same people they've known forever. I don't regret my decision and I couldn't be happier that I'm going to Spain, but the thing is, this is comfort to me. My home, with my friends, in my school, taking my classes in my own language.
I feel kind of guilty about being sad, like I should be grateful for being able to have this opportunity. And don't get me wrong, I am incredibly happy, incredibly excited, and incredibly grateful for this. But it's still going to be hard to leave everything I've really ever known. While I'm away, the people that I know, the people that I call my friends, are going to move forward without me. They're going to smile, laugh, cry, break, and recover without me. They're going to fall out of old habits and into new ones. They're going to meet new people and create new relationships. They're going to be completely different. And so will I. I just wonder how I'll readjust to my high school and community when I get back. Because after this year, there will be an un-bridgeable gap between me and them.
When people talk about what it was like to be abroad, they talk about the delicious food, the beautiful places, the sweet host family. They talk about all the amazing times they had in a new place. It's funny that they never really mention what we leave behind, which is us as we've known ourselves for our whole lives. After this year, we will no longer be the people that we were when we left. I think we all are just hoping (or at least I am) that this will mold us into the people we've wanted to be but were too sheltered to become. I don't know about you, my fellow AFSers, but I'm ready for a change, even if that means leaving everything comforting behind.
Here are some pictures of my amazing friends and I:
Monday, August 11, 2014
Speedwell Scholarship
I would just like to sincerely thank Jenny and Mike Messner for awarding me a Speedwell Scholarship for the 2014-2015 school year. It is a $15,000 scholarship... that's an awful lot of money if you ask me. Not only did I receive this amazing scholarship, but more or less 30 students also received this scholarship to study abroad in whichever country they desired.
Thanks to Mike and Jenny, we are all able to live out our dreams. Their generosity and selflessness is a major factor as to why we are all about to embark on one of the greatest--if not the greatest--journey of our lives. Without them, I wouldn't be getting ready to go to Spain in 22 days. So, thank you Mike and Jenny for giving me, along with my fellow AFSers, this amazing opportunity.
The start of something new
Hey guys! This is my first official blog post. I have never blogged before. I'm not entirely sure I know HOW to blog to be quite honest, but I'm just going to go for it. I've always loved to write, and I do keep a journal; however, that journal is private and this blog is quite public.
This blog will be entirely dedicated to my trip to Spain. Oh yeah, that might be a good thing to mention: I will be studying abroad for a year in Spain!!
My father told me to blog the whole time I'm there, and at first, I looked at him like he was crazy, as I've never been a "blogger." But then I really started to think about it. This upcoming year is going to be filled with thoughts, feelings, experiences, opportunities, and emotions that I've never had before and might never have again. I think it truly is a great idea to document the little moments, the small pieces that will eventually (at the end of the year) show the big moments and the experience in its entirety.
So, stick with me guys. I promise my posts will get a lot better once I actually arrive to the beautiful country of Spain. Let's do this!!
This blog will be entirely dedicated to my trip to Spain. Oh yeah, that might be a good thing to mention: I will be studying abroad for a year in Spain!!
My father told me to blog the whole time I'm there, and at first, I looked at him like he was crazy, as I've never been a "blogger." But then I really started to think about it. This upcoming year is going to be filled with thoughts, feelings, experiences, opportunities, and emotions that I've never had before and might never have again. I think it truly is a great idea to document the little moments, the small pieces that will eventually (at the end of the year) show the big moments and the experience in its entirety.
So, stick with me guys. I promise my posts will get a lot better once I actually arrive to the beautiful country of Spain. Let's do this!!
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