My host sister decided it was a good idea to Skype with her. Of course, I was extremely excited to really be able to talk to her for the first time. At the same time, I was so incredibly nervous. What if it's awkward? I thought. What if I have nothing to say? What if she doesn't like me? What if we just sit there staring at each other? What if I can't understand her?
To be honest, a little bit of all of that happened. Well, not that she didn't like me. It WAS slightly awkward, there was some silence, I was at a loss for words, and I was having difficulty understanding her. However, it was a good experience. We both laughed a lot, we were both nervous, and we were both just so excited to finally be able to almost "be together," even if it was just moving images through the interconnected web to a different country.
While it was fun and entertaining, it was also a wake up call. It's easy to say I'm getting a lot better at Spanish while I'm sitting behind a computer with the ability to use Google Translate whenever I need. It's easy to think I'm pretty good at speaking the language when I have as much time as I need to respond to the written email. However, actually speaking Spanish and being spoken to is so much harder than I even imagined.
Maybe I was just nervous, but every question I had thought of slipped my mind. I could think of absolutely nothing to say. I even forgot how to conjugate verbs properly, which is one of the most basic, elementary things to do. I couldn't get myself to think properly. And if THAT was hard, I don't even want to get into understanding her. It seemed like a big, long, jumbled line of mush rushing in one ear and out the other.
It's easy to sit in Spanish class and complete the packets, read the passages, listen to the teacher, and answer a question or two. It makes you feel like you're really getting somewhere, like maybe you could be good at this. But, gosh is it scary to actually have to rely on your small amount of knowledge to get you somewhere. Not going to lie, it makes me slightly afraid of going to Spain, slightly afraid of being so lost. But at the same time, if you don't struggle, you'll never feel what it's like to finally be at peace. And if you don't get lost, you'll never be found.
I'm ready to get lost, because I trust that someday, I'm going to be found. And it won't have to be by anyone else, I won't have to depend on another person to come along and find me wandering aimlessly. That is the case sometimes. Sometimes you have to be found by others. But in this case, I can find myself. And I believe I will. I'm ready...are you?
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