Juliet Benson. This was a gorgeous girl with talent, ambition, a heart of gold, a contagious laugh, and a beautiful soul. She deserved nothing but the best, but in the end, she just wasn't able to get it.
To act like we have been best friends since we met, or that we talked every day, or that we hung out all the time would be a lie. I wasn't her closest friend, especially toward the end, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell. That doesn't mean I didn't love her.
In 7th grade, Juliet and I were lucky enough to be in the same class. I didn't know a lot of the people in that class. Well, I knew them, but they weren't my best friends, and that was detrimental to me as a 7th grader, though now it seems irrelevant. She was new and didn't know anyone either. That's when we found each other. We had each other when we had no one else. We were practically glued to each other. As her mother tells me, I was her first best friend when she moved here and had no one. Rachael, her mom, tells me that she talked about me all the time. It makes me feel good to know that I meant something to her, and that I had an impact on her, as well, because god knows she had one on me. I had her when I had no one else, and she had me. I tried to be there for her as much as I could, but now I know it wasn't enough.
Over the next few years, we continued to grow as individual people; we moved on with our lives, and in the process, we lost a bit of each other. But that doesn't mean we didn't still love each other, care about each other, or have fun together when we got the chance. She was still and always will be an amazing friend to me, a piece of my heart, a part of me.
I wonder if I could have said something or done something to make her feel like she could stay. I wonder what would have happened if only I'd stayed with her through everything. I knew..I knew all along that she struggled, but now I realize I never knew how much. The guilt is so painful, and the questions are eating away at me. Could I have helped her? I don't know, nor will I ever. But at the end of the day, there was nothing. At the end of the day, there was a choice to make, and she made it.
I just can't believe she's really gone. I will never again see her beautiful smile that lit up everyone's day. I will never again hear her contagious laugh. I will never again sing alongside her, which was an absolute honor, because she had the voice of an angel. I will never again be silly and wild and crazy alongside her. I will never again laugh until my stomache hurts, as I usually did with her. I will never again stand beside her. And that's the hardest part to imagine...NEVER. This isn't temporary. I just keep holding onto the hope that this was a mistake, that she's okay. But she's not. She's really gone and she's not coming back.
She struggled beautifully for so long, and she tried harder than I've ever seen anyone try to keep going. If anyone knew how to live with pain, it was her. She just did it. But I guess she couldn't struggle through anymore. And I understand. I'm not mad. I know some people become angry with the person for having given up or for leaving them, but I'm not angry with her. She didn't give up, she just decided on a life that she thought would be better suited for her. And god I hope it is, because if anyone deserves to be happy, it's her. I hope she gets everything she couldn't here. I'm not angry with her...I'm angry with God, if there is one, or destiny, or fate, or chance, or the universe, or whatever it is that gave her such a hard life and made her feel alone. I'm angry at myself for not having helped her more. And I'm angry that it wouldn't have mattered if I did.
Sometimes we're born with hope and we hold onto it for all our lives. Sometimes we're born without hope and have to struggle to find it. And sometime's we're born with hope, but it's stolen from us. Sometimes we're not strong enough to withstand the horrors of life. Juliet, though I can't be sure, seemed to have a hope bubbling from deep within. A lot of times, circumstance buried that hope, but it was still there. I don't know if she lost sight of it that horrible morning, or if she lost it a long time ago, and I will never know. All I know is that she felt this was the right choice for her. But god do I wish she would have held onto that hope.
Being all the way across the Atlantic is killing me. I wasn't there for her or for anyone, and I can't be now. I can't attend her memorial to laugh, cry, and mourn along with all of those that loved her just as much as I did. And while yes, I'm sure a lot of people will say they loved her more than I, or that she loved them more than she loved me, to me, it's not a competition. To me, someone only has to touch your heart one time for you to love them, for you to care about them, and for you to mourn their loss. She touched my heart back in 7th grade and her mark continued to grow throughout the years, even if we didn't hang out as much toward the end. But I still loved her, I still cared for her, and I still mourn her loss.
Her beauty was undeniable, her talent was unimaginable, and her courage was incomprehensible. I hope to someday be as strong, as lively, and as incredible as she was. God did I love her, and god do I still....
Rachael, please continue to be strong. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know Juliet loved you so much. She cared about you and loved you more than anything in this world, and I'm sorry you had to lose your babygirl. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you. Keep going and stay strong, because that's what will give the rest of us hope...
And Juliet, though I'm not sure you'll ever see this, as I have no idea what comes after this life, just know that I love you and I miss you so much it hurts.
RIP Juliet Benson
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