The Lasts

     Sorry I haven't posted yet. Today is the first day since I left that I've had wifi on my computer. I wrote this on the plane, but I'm posting it now.....

     Although I’ve been a part of this process for about a year, it only started to feel real toward the end, when I was going through what I like to call “the lasts.” These are the things you know will change, but you don’t realize how much you’ll miss until you’ve completed it for the last time.

     The last time I stay the night at my father’s. I go to my father’s every Friday and spend the night, and I’ve always taken that for granted. But the last time I was at his house on a Friday, I realized that I’d no longer be able to escape the craziness of my house by retreating to a calmer, more laid back environment. I’d no longer be able to stay up late watching stupid TV shows with my dad, who actually surprisingly gets really into them. I’d no longer be able to have him make milkshakes for us at midnight. And I’d no longer have to get up at 11 so he could take us home and go to work.
     The last time I see my friends. Saying goodbye to each of them was so hard. I mean, the goodbye party was so much fun, and at the end of the night, of course it was hard to say goodbye to the people I knew I wouldn’t see again before I left. But it was especially hard to spend a day or an evening with my best friends, really experiencing what it was like to be with them, and then having to let them go. It’s great to be able to see them one more time, but it also made it harder in a sense, because it was a reminder of all the things I had to leave behind.
     The last time I have a family dinner. The whole family got together on Tuesday night at my dad’s house and we had a really great last family dinner. And I felt fine the whole time. But when the time came to leave, my heart hurt. It was so difficult to realize that was the last time I’d sit down and eat with my family. I looked around my dad’s house and walked out knowing I wouldn’t see it again for a year.
     The last time I slept in my bed. Lying in bed that night and waking up the next morning, I tried to savor every moment of lying in MY bed with MY blankets in MY room. Honestly, not even going to lie, but one of the things I’m dreading about Spain is having to sleep in a twin bed…..I have a queen size and I feel so cramped in a little bed. That’s seriously such a stupid thing to be worried about, but it’s true.

     The last time driving away from my house. I’ve lived in the same house since I was 7 and moved to Pennsylvania from California. I was so young that I hardly remember the house I had before. I hardly remember what it was like to live in California. I mean, I remember a lot, but it feels so foreign to me. It feels like a hazy dream that I had, or an out of body experience. It doesn’t feel like I really lived it. But Lancaster, Pennsylvania, as much as I dislike it, is still my home. It’s where I grew up, and it’s where I feel at home. Having to leave everything that I’ve really ever known behind is so terrifying.

     But none of that compares to having to say goodbye to my parents. Walking into the hotel, I was having a genuine panic attack. I don’t even know what happened. It was just like all the things I’d never really been thinking too much about hit me all at the same time. I was in a new place with tons of kids I didn’t know, and I had to let go of the two people I’ve been closest to for my entire life. As much as I fight with my parents, they are my life. They are my support system, my family, and my best friends. And having to leave them for so long just killed me inside. Even now, hearing their voices on the phone and realizing that that’s the closest I could get to them for the next 10 months just drove me off the edge.

     I think, as amazing as this is, and as excited as I am, the lasts are the hardest things to get through. But at the same time, you have to go through your “lasts” of all the things you know to get to the “firsts” of all the things you don’t yet know.