The Forgotten

     It's obviously painful to miss someone. You feel an emptiness where they used to reside. You feel an ache for them, an ache to see them again, an ache to be able to laugh with them, touch them, hold them, really BE with them. Sometimes it can even drive you crazy. 
     However, I think missing someone can also be terrifying. What's scary isn't the fact that you miss them...what's scary is wondering if they even miss you back. What's scary is wondering if you ever cross their mind. What's scary is wondering if they even care that you're gone. 
      And that's how I feel today. I look on Instagram and see countless photos from the Homecoming dance, which let's be honest, I probably wouldn't have gone to anyway, as I think school dances are an egocentric popularity contest set to music. But here's the thing, all of the people that I grew up with, that I miss, that I love, are all in one place, smiling, laughing, hoping, and loving. All of them are having a great time, all of them together, and all of it without me. And I realize that I'm having an experience that's ridiculously incredible and exciting and I'm so beyond happy and content here with my new family, city, friends, etc. But it still sucks to watch them all grow closer as I slowly drift farther away. 
     The worst part is having to wonder if they're forgetting about me. I know it's probably stupid to think that, but it's a genuine concern. It's only been a month, and I already worry that I've slipped their mind...that's what worries me. I'm spending an entire year in a totally different place, secluded from those back home, those that are spending this year together, laughing together, crying together, making memories together, falling in and out of love together. And all of these things, whether good or bad, are going to bring them closer, going to push them into each other, push them into loving and trusting each other more than ever. And all the while, I'm being pushed away. Each day that goes by, it becomes easier for them to forget. Eventually, they'll no longer see the empty desk as the place I used to be...to them, it will be just another empty desk. 
     That's what scares me...feeling like I won't be remembered, like I won't be missed...but feeling like I deserve to be remembered, like I deserve to be missed, at least by some. Feeling like I gave everything I could to some people, feeling like I shared something with them, like we're now holding little pieces of each other within our own hearts. Feeling like for that reason, I deserve to be preserved in their memory, at least for longer than only one month. 
      Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just lonely, and having a bad day, and missing home a little too much. But I just don't want to lose anything back home while I search for new things here. And maybe that makes me selfish...wanting to have a life in both places, wanting to keep those that I love in both places, wanting to be a part of two lives, both mine. But if that makes me selfish, then hell, I'm okay with that. Because to me, giving up everything back home to find "better" things here is selfish, it's crazy to assume that's possible (at least for me), and it's horrible. I could never give up on those that I love. And for that reason, I will hold on as tightly as humanly possible to those I love; I will preserve them in my memory for as long as I'm away; I will remember them, I will miss them, and I will love them...no matter what part of the world I'm in. I can only hope I meant enough to them to get that in return...

"You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place."